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December 8, 2020 - 00:40.
It finally happened. It was inevitable, I knew it from the very first moment and yet I have the audacity to be upset. This was never meant to be and it's because I'm messed up. I'm destined to ruin everyone and everything in my path. Now, instead of going to sleep, I'll stay up all night listening to Too Close by Sir Chloe on repeat. I feel like the lyrics fit this situation very well.
December 5, 2020 - 01:40.
He told me he was out and his phone died. I don't know if I can believe that. Then he sent me a silly drawing he made of us on his brother's laptop. I think that was a good sign, but now he's back to ignoring me. He hasn't sent anything for 24 hours and 24 minutes. I'm so scared, I wish he'd just tell me he hates me instead of leaving me hanging like this. I'm listening to Portions For Foxes by Rilo Kiley and trying my hardest not to cry, failing miserably of course.
"And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too"
I don't know what to do. Like, I've felt heartbroken so many times before but this one's gonna sting. This time it'll burn me beyond recognition. To think that someone was actually into me and I somehow managed to fuck it up WITHIN DAYS. Why is he ignoring me? What was the last straw? He's planning how to cut me off. I can feel it. My unhealthy coping mechanisms are kicking in already. I've started up with pretending to be different people, I don't know what's next. I had to dress up nicely, sit with my back really straight and have my legs neatly crossed like a proper good girl, writing in my journal with fancy handwriting. All to keep myself from breaking down. I live so many different lives within the comfort of my bedroom, completely isolated from the outside world. I have to kill parts of myself and let others flourish. "Flourish", that's a word he used. I'm gonna be sick to my stomach from all the worrying.
December 3, 2020 - 16:40.
I'm terrified. I'm worried. I can't tell if my paranoia is justified or not, but here goes. We were playing Minecraft together on my friend's realm and we were the only ones still online. It was late at night. He told me that he was going to say something cringy, and asked if I was ready. He proceeded to basically confess that he can't NOT think about me. He keeps imagining our future together, what he'd say to me at the airport the first time we meet. "Just that you complete me and nothing has ever felt so real". Amazing, right? But here's the thing. It's been a few days now and I think I fucked up. He said he'd be happy if I sent him a selfie. Not a big deal of course... To the regular person. To me, that's a nightmare. Opening up my camera means I have to face what I hate most about myself, my appearance. I basically freaked and told him that I'm repulsive and not being able to get surgery until I'm 18 is what's holding me back in life. He responded very respectfully and understandingly, but I've convinced myself that he's secretly really frustrated and upset. I think he hates me. He's probably asleep right now and that's why he hasn't answered my latest message, he's probably just still resting because he's sick. Probably? I can't even kid myself. He hates me, he's pissed because I'm such a child. He regrets telling me those things. He's realized how much of a dumbass I am, I'm too unstable for him and stability is important in a relationship meaning he'll never want anything to do with me and he's planning to abandon me. I should be a team player here, kill myself to spare him the burden of being part of my life. Anyway... I'm listening to Star Treatment by Arctic Monkeys. It's the kind of song I'd envision myself doing drugs to in slow motion.