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November 29, 2020 - 10:40.
We watched the movie Due Date (2010) together, it was really fun and I'm so glad he asked me to join him. I woke up at like 3 from a nightmare and he chatted with me about that for a while as well. It was really comforting. Since like two days ago I've been thinking hard about wanting to send him a real physical letter. Written with scented pens and stickers, little doodles and maybe a polaroid photo or two. I wonder how he'd feel about that, maybe we'll see eventually.
November 26, 2020 - 19:30.
Today was an amazing day. I would leave the entry at that, to be a little mysterious... But I'm too excited about everything that went down. Let me tell you all about it, like a gossiping schoolgirl in the movies. A while after midnight when I was really supposed to be fast asleep, I sent this one guy on Discord a meme. It was basically Bingus the cat asking the recipient out on a date, except I scribbled out Bingus and wrote my username. He replied with the Chad meme that just says "Yes". Immaculate communication, I know. I love this generation sometimes. Anyway, he asked if I was actually into him or just messing around. Obviously I really am interested. After that, he was so damn considerate that I almost started crying tears of joy on the bus. There I was, on my way to school, feeling purely HAPPY. He wanted to know what I looked like but was so sweet about it, wasn't pressuring me or anything. He said that he didn't mean to overwhelm me or anything and sent a really cute dorky message related to an inside joke. When I showed him my best pictures, he called me adorable. Adorable. My heart was going to EXPLODE! I feel like shit because I know the pictures aren't at all accurate to my real life self, sure I haven't edited them or used any kind of filter, but I still look deformed and repulsive in person compared to those photos. My mind is already wandering at top speed. What if we enter a relationship? I wonder if he'd send me a hoodie. I hope he would, and that it smells like him. I would wear it to bed and imagine that he's holding me close.
November 25, 2020 - 15:15.
Doens't it suck? Being lonely, I mean. I'm a very lonely person. My "oneitis" wants nothing to do with me, and the realization settling in is really hurting me. I would've given him the world, had he only asked. Lately I've been putting on more weight and it's a nightmare come true, I just want to be skinny. I didn't starve myself for months just to gain it all back. My skin's been breaking out for a long time and I can't see it getting any better, further proof that I'm repulsive and undeserving of love. I was always destined to be this way, untouched and unloved. I have to watch everyone else live out my dreams. There's nobody for me to fall back on because I've pushed everyone away. I get so upset that I want to inflict harm on myself, but I'm way too cowardly to leave marks for others to see. They'd know how much of a sad, miserable imbecile I am. I keep making cries for help on social media, hoping someone will take me seriously, but it all comes off as a big joke. Or maybe everyone KNOWS and they choose to do nothing. Regardless, I guess it's up to me to fix myself on my own. I'm just a stupid little girl who needs a smart, strong older man to guide me...
November 23, 2020 - 21:21.
This marks the first entry in my anonymous online diary. It feels like an exciting little secret, between the world wide web and I. It's not like the internet will tell on me. Since I only made this site yesterday, it's not at all finished and nowhere near as polished as I'd like it to be, but this'll do for now. Whoever you are, Stranger, I hope you enjoy your stay. Now, onto something I wanted to write about. Something I've been thinking about for days on end. The song Across The Sea by Weezer. It's my current favourite song, it's so perfect that I can barely grasp how amazing it is. It just GETS me, you know? What he's singing about, the emotion in his voice. I can feel the desperation in his words and it overwhelms me, never in my life have I felt so connected to a song. The way the instruments work with the vocals and amplify the meaning behind them, beyond perfection. I wish someone would write a song just like this for me someday.
"I wonder what clothes you wear to school
I wonder how you decorate your room
I wonder how you touch yourself
And curse myself for being across the sea"
This is the best part of the song. It plays in my head on a loop each and every day. If only I could be the target of someone's obsessive love, I wish someone would think of me this way. An older boy with more life experience, he'd be so wise and I'd be so eager to learn everything that he'd teach me. He would spend every waking moment thinking about me, so needy and so clingy, and I would be the epitome of innocence and purity. All for him to shape into his perfect dream girl. As if I was put into the universe only for one reason, to love him blindly. Maybe he'd be a bit too old for me. They're always too old. It would be our little secret, just ours. He would keep our relationship hidden away, perhaps even from me. Never telling me that my adoration is returned, equally, if not more. Oh well, I've been droning on for way too long at this point. Stranger, if you read through this far, thank you for your time. I apologize for the overflow of wishful thinking. Please sign my guestbook before you leave.